Let’s talk about thoughts on mortality and suicidal ideation. As I look back at some of my posts, I realize that I have been censoring myself in ways I promised I wouldn’t do. I didn’t do this before, and I never intended to do it now. It’s going to stop.
I had to think about why I felt the need to censor myself and it became clear to me that the very reason I was doing it was the exact reason why I shouldn’t. I was concerned about how people would view my thoughts. The fear of someone misconstruing these thoughts as instability worried me, but that’s exactly why I need to speak up and speak out.
Being stable and thinking about death
It’s entirely possible to be stable and still have thoughts you think aren’t the thoughts of a stable person. I would argue that everyone has many of these same thoughts. Those of us with mental illnesses trying to gauge our mental state are just more attentive and dissect every single thought that pops into our heads.
Also, most people aren’t discussing their deepest, darkest thoughts. I did before. I vowed to do it again. It’s time I start. Let’s get this started.
Undiagnosed illness and more
I have had a number of health issues pop up recently, and I already had plenty of health issues, including an undiagnosed illness that has had a profound effect on my life. This year started off with two hospital stays and two procedures in January. Since that time, I’ve had plenty of unexplained symptoms and now have another diagnosis and another worrisome thing to investigate. (I still have an undiagnosed illness, but some of these things could be complicating that.)
Add more health issues just for fun
In a few days, I have yet another doctor’s appointment to look into a new problem. Over the past three years I have seen plenty of doctors and had plenty of tests. I was tired of it all long before this year arrived. Starting off the year the way I did agitated me and I didn’t want to see a doctor again for a long while. After all the post-op check-ups, I said I wasn’t going to see a doctor again until it was time for refills.
Well, cue new symptoms. I tried my best to ignore them. They were agitating and I put up with it as long as I could stand it. After a couple months of it all, I broke down and decided to go see my doctor. I should have known. With my luck, I should have known. Complaints mean tests, and tests mean more issues. It never fails. Never.
Thinking about mortality isn’t suicidal ideation
I had blood tests and another type of test and both tests showed a different issue. So, now I have a diagnosis for a new illness and have to see a specialist for investigation of potentially another issue. I fear this may result in more tests and another hospital visit because that’s just my luck. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it all and it seems like it’s always something new. I just need a break from it all because it has become exhausting.
So, here I am with what feels like a million health issues and mental health issues affected by it all. I’m just so damned exhausted. And sometimes I think it would be easier to just not wake up in the morning. All the stress would be gone. All the different ailments I have and keep having are a lot to deal with it and each thing just compounds an already bad situation. There are plenty of times when I think it would be easier for it to be over. Just going to sleep and never waking up sounds nice during the worst of it.
Thoughts on mortality and suicidal ideation
Now let’s take a moment to discuss those thoughts. I think even people without a mental illness think things like that. Who hasn’t thought it would be easier not to deal with something? That’s exactly what this is. I am not suicidal. This isn’t suicidal ideation, but there are going to be people who think it is. It isn’t. This is not me saying I want to do something to end my life or am considering doing something to end my own life. It isn’t me thinking about ending my own life in any way. This is me grappling with mortality.
I know plenty aren’t going to understand this, but I’m not writing it for those of you who don’t. I’m writing it for those who do and think nobody else feels the same way. I’m not suicidal. I’m getting older and having so many health problems makes me face my own mortality. Because of how my health issues have affected my life, I have begun to think about how I will die. Avoiding pain would be nice, and going in my sleep seems the best option. I’m betting all of you reading this would prefer to die in your sleep for that very reason.
Thinking about end-of-life preferences
Don’t get me wrong. I’d like to have plenty of years left. I don’t wish for those years to be years of suffering, and I don’t want to die a painful death. Unfortunately, any time someone who is mentally ill discusses the topic of death someone will inevitably say that person is suicidal. It’s simply not true. Every human being alive has contemplated mortality and how they would prefer to die or not to die.
It is completely normal to think about one’s own mortality. Many books, poems, and songs have been written discussing just that. A person can indeed think about death and dying without it being suicidal ideation or the person being suicidal. Every single person reading this has thought about their own death. Every. Single. One.
So…
Let me lighten the mood a bit.
Read more below.
Mood:
Do you have thoughts you think aren’t normal? Do you have thoughts you are afraid to discuss because of others’ reactions? Have you ever thought about how contemplating mortality and suicidal ideation differ?
I strayed from who I was and hid those parts. I’m not going to do it anymore. It’s all coming out. I’m throwing out the filter, or, as I told a friend, I’m burning all the boxes. This is mild compared to what’s coming.
