Agoraphobia makes it hard for me to leave the house for small things. It causes major issues when planning a vacation. Here’s my recent experience traveling with agoraphobia.
Having an undiagnosed illness is frustrating. It weighs on your mental health. It means the future is uncertain. You have no idea if it will get worse.
Mayday. Mayday. We’re going down. All of you know I have several mental illnesses including bipolar disorder. I also have several physical illnesses including an undiagnosed illness. As my list of troubles keeps growing, I’m exhausted, frustrated, angry, and fed up with all of it. My health and mental health are going south.
Let’s talk about thoughts on mortality and suicidal ideation. As I look back at some of my posts, I realize that I have been censoring myself in ways I promised I wouldn’t do. I didn’t do this before, and I never intended to do it now. It’s going to stop.
I have an overwhelming sense of dread. My mind is convinced I am standing on the edge of a precipice, and life keeps giving me reasons why this is justified. I’ve told a select few people (and now the world, I guess) that I feel like I am on borrowed time and won’t be here in five years. I recently backed that down to two.
As I’ve said before, I am trying to keep myself from falling into a major depressive episode. This has resulted in me being in and out of hypomania trying to keep myself balanced. Hypomania with bipolar disorder causes a number of problems.
I am currently dealing with a depressive episode that varies in severity. It changes every day. A mixture of things makes me feel like I am disappearing as a person. I feel myself fading away. Am I disappearing?