I am currently dealing with a depressive episode that varies in severity. It changes every day. A mixture of things makes me feel like I am disappearing as a person. I feel myself fading away. Am I disappearing?
When I wake up I’m afraid somebody else might take my place.
Read more below.
That’s my current mood as I’m stuck in the midst of yet another pity party. I have an undiagnosed illness that has robbed me of a good bit of my abilities. I am now an ambulatory wheelchair user and have trouble doing many things. Needing assistance with everyday tasks was never something I expected to face, but here I am.
Not only has it affected me physically, but it has affected my cognitive abilities. If you happen to see words that seem out of place from time to time, forgive me and know it bothers me just as much or more than it does you. Sometimes my words don’t make sense. I know this. They looked right when I typed them but later I realize it isn’t the right word at all. For example, I once mixed up the words mayor and janitor. It was right in my head. It was right when I said it, or so I thought. I’m getting off-topic. The point is to overlook my nonsense if you see it. I’m sorry.
I used to be somebody but now I’m not
This is exactly why I have decided not to work on big projects now. I call myself semi-retired. This is something I never wanted. I intended to spend the rest of my life writing up until my dying day. I am unable to do that in my current state. The words are often wrong or jumbled. I can’t write novels like that. This makes me feel like a shell of a person as I have identified as a writer for more than a decade. That’s what I am, or what I was.
I frequently say I used to be somebody. I did indeed use to be somebody, but I’m not anymore. I’m empty and a big part of who I am is gone. When I wake up in the morning and try to figure out what kind of day I am facing, I do fear someone else is taking my place because it’s true. Others are rising up to be what I once was, and I am falling into the shadows and disappearing. Will I eventually cease to exist as others take my place in the world? I feel it is already happening.
Depressive Episode: Struggling to keep my head above water
As I struggle to hold onto pieces of me, I feel like I am a completely different person at times. I don’t feel like myself most days. I feel like only a very small part of who I used to be. Most of this is because of my undiagnosed illness and all it has robbed me of since its appearance. Bipolar disorder doesn’t make it any easier. I’m in the midst of a depressive episode that has lingered too long. Add in perimenopause to spice things up because it’s not a party until we’re overwhelmed and underwater. Are we drowning yet? Good. Party on.
Here I am – a shell of a person trying to figure out how to exist in a world I feel no longer needs me. I used to be somebody. I really did. Now I am nobody and struggling to find meaning and purpose to continue existing in a way that feels useful and important. Depressive episodes suck.