I know. Acting manic to avoid mania makes exactly zero sense, right? It makes no sense and makes perfect sense all at the same time.
Having an undiagnosed illness is frustrating. It weighs on your mental health. It means the future is uncertain. You have no idea if it will get worse.
I have an overwhelming sense of dread. My mind is convinced I am standing on the edge of a precipice, and life keeps giving me reasons why this is justified. I’ve told a select few people (and now the world, I guess) that I feel like I am on borrowed time and won’t be here in five years. I recently backed that down to two.
As I’ve said before, I am trying to keep myself from falling into a major depressive episode. This has resulted in me being in and out of hypomania trying to keep myself balanced. Hypomania with bipolar disorder causes a number of problems.
I’m finding it hard to sit down and write out how I feel. I’m finding it hard to keep my head high when dealing with judgment. I’m finding it hard to deal with hateful attitudes and rude commentary. I’m just finding it hard to deal with recent changing moods in bipolar disorder.
I see it often. Perhaps it’s that I have experienced the symptoms of bipolar disorder so many times over the years that it sticks out to me. Regardless of why I recognize it, I am noticing undiagnosed bipolar disorder in others and watching several people currently in manic episodes headed straight to disaster.
I know the darkest depths of depression. I’ve been to hell and back several times when in the throes of depression. I’ll fight with all my might to avoid the darkness at the bottom of depression. That has led to some unhealthy but necessary coping mechanisms.
I am currently dealing with a depressive episode that varies in severity. It changes every day. A mixture of things makes me feel like I am disappearing as a person. I feel myself fading away. Am I disappearing?